My Addiction

I ate a bag of apple slices today. I bought a bag of salad. I went to the gym. So why am I so miserable? I hate that I've let myself gain all this weight that I lost back, and then a little some. It's so frustrating. I injured my foot back in January and have only recently been able to begin working out again, but still, how could I let this happen? I have a serious problem and I don't know how to resolve it. I can't afford a trainer, and I'm so stubborn about what I eat, that if I don't want it, I won't eat it. As I mentioned I bought a bag of salad. It's a Caesar salad; I figured if I covered the lettuce with enough crap, then perhaps I could consume it entirely. I've force fed myself salads before and I can never finish more than a bite, if that. It just feels weird in my mouth (that's what she said) and I can taste that it grew in the dirt. Hopefully tonight will go over better than my previous attempts. I know I need to change my eating habits because I keep getting sick from whatever I eat. I usually eat something with sugar in it. At work I'll grab a burger and fries for lunch. It's really bad. You would think that having gallstones at age 20/21 years old, and subsequently having my gallbladder removed, would be enough of a wake up call to change your lifestyle--- but it wasn't. I remember the doctor said to me, "After the surgery, you'll be able to eat like you normally would." My normal, is not the normal though.

I read a lot of other women's success stories of weightloss. They say things like, "To curve my cravings for sweets, I'd chew a piece of gum." or "I'd just allow myself to have one square of chocolate to satisfy my cravings." Is it just me or is that bullshit? How can chewing on a piece of gum make you not want a bag of candy anymore? How can you just stop at ONE piece of chocolate? What worries me about this is that it really is JUST ME that feels this way. It means that my problems with food, and sugars specifically, is far more severe than I could have thought possible.

How do you stop a sugar addiction? It's not like I have a dealer. I can go anywhere and get a cookie, or cake, or whatever I might be craving. And when I try to back off of the sugar, I get major withdrawal symptoms. It's all I think about, and I won't rest until I give my sweet tooth what it wants. It's embarrassing but about a month ago, I have negative dollars in my checking account, and a nearly maxed out credit card. I had $4 left on that credit card, and I wanted chocolate so badly that I charged my last $4 for candy. That's straight up crackhead level right?!

I really want to try to incorporate a better, more balanced diet in my life. I'm looking up how to make vegetables more kid friendly- God that's sad.

Well, having said all that, I'm really hungry.