Just Off

Do you ever feel like you're not like everyone else? That, whatever normal is, you are far from it? I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. I see how easy everyday activities are for everyone else and I just don't know why I can't be like that. Small talk. I've always hated small talk and even worse I hate faking my way through it. It's uncomfortable, unnatural to me. Small talk just someone vocalizing the obvious. The current weather. If a bus is late. If a line at the supermarket is outrageous. It's all completely obvious to those who are there experiencing it with you, why does it have to be said? Perhaps I over analyze the common conversation, and it hurts me socially; but I know no other way to be.

I just feel that there's something wrong with me. It doesn't make me a bad person, I'm just off.

Have you ever heard of this poem?

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Well, now you have heard it. I was born on a Wednesday. I'm full of woe. It's the only negative day of the week! WTF! I was just an hour shy of being full of grace, but no, now I'm a sad klutz. But who's to say that this poem is even right? Though, I've always been a bit of a sad soul I suppose. I'm very sensitive and self-conscious, a lot more than I let on. I feel that I'm very aware and in tune with my feelings. I used to not know how to control my depression. When I was younger, about ten years ago or so, I would eat anything that made me feel better. And even while I was doing it I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it wasn't healthy, but I knew of no other way to be. It's like I've had 10+ years of practice with depression. Yes, I still get depressed, and I am at this moment, but I understand the signals and I try my best to not cave in to old destructive behaviors. I, for the most part, don't give into food- not nearly as much as I used to. The fact that I'm on day 15 of this diet certainly helps. I've been very motivated to see it through. The one thing that I'm having trouble getting over is being a recluse. I'm somewhat anti-social anyway, but when I get depressed, I don't leave the bedroom. I think that I should, and I feel that I should, but I just can't get myself to go. What would I do if I left the house? Who would hang out with me? I turn myself down before anyone else can. It's clearly a defense mechanism, but it's not defending me, it's actually hurting me.

It's hard to be funny when you're depressed. The funny comes after you're over it and you can reflect. I hate that I can't be funny right now. I'm trying to be. I'm trying to think of things to write, ways to be creative. I just don't have the energy for it. With the exception of a show I did Saturday night, I've been in my room since Friday (It's Monday as I write this). I've kept myself away from the world, even just the rest of the house for 4 days now. So why did I leave my room for a show? Well, I was already committed to doing the show. I don't like to cancel shows. Also, being on stage is the only time I feel right, which is weird to everyone else. Some people would rather die than be on stage and speak in front of people. For me, it's the only time I know I'll be happy. When I'm up there I am in control. I am the one who speaks and the audience has to listen to what I say. When I'm up there, in my head, I am the most amazing, beautiful, coolest, funniest person in the world. When I'm off stage, I don't have control. People don't have to listen to what I say. So all the built up confidence I have on stage, slowly goes away when I'm not on it. My challenge is trying to be who I am on stage, be the person I am off stage.