I fear that I am a Hoarder in training. I finished moving out of my apartment today. Shout out to Jason, Dave, and my sister Meghan! You are awesome! Most of my "things" I moved already to my parent's house. Today was 99% furniture into a storage unit. I'm just in between apartments for the next couple of weeks. I'm really hoping to get this great studio in-law for a low price, but it's up to the owner now.
I have so much stuff for one person! I got rid of a bunch of my clothes already- that was really hard to do. It's mostly because I'm poor. I think, maybe I'll want to wear this someday, so I should keep it. I have a lot of little things too, like random stuff. I don't know why I can't just throw them away. Perhaps I think they show off my personality, but I don't own a home. I need to learn to be a minimalist.
I am too exhausted to continue writing, but I did write a bit. Kudos to me. And Kudos to you too!
In short, I'm trying to take the steps now to prevent me from becoming a crazy hoarder, because I could do a lot of hoarding damage. A LOT.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Jumping in the Pool
I briefly mentioned in the first post that I plan on making a move down to Los Angeles in early 2012. This specific plan was made a few years ago, but technically, I've been telling myself that I'll move to Los Angeles since I was 18 years old. I'll be 25 this fall and I haven't even come close to moving there. I wanted to go to LA after high school because I wanted to take classes at The Groundlings, an improv/sketch company that had launched the careers of many SNL cast members and other comedic actors and actresses. I was hoping that training there would do the same for me. Unfortunately I'm horrible with money and even though I was a working girl, (Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'... sorry I just had to) I never saved any money. I didn't move out on my own until I was 23. Now I still have the same LA dream, only it's bigger. I still want to go to The Groundlings, but since I am a stand up comedian, it opens up more opportunities for me to perform and be seen by agents and managers; ya know, the people who make things happen.
A few weeks ago I saw that there was an opening with my day job in the LA area. My company has a pretty big operation down there so there's a lot of openings there throughout the year. On a whim, I applied. My heart was racing when I clicked the SEND button. What was I getting myself into? Am I ready to make this step? Even though I'm currently in no position to move to the other side of the state, the fact that I was putting this out there in the universe was a lot to handle. I had a talk about this before with a friend. It was one of those, 5AM conversations that are amazing, but you're so tired you can't remember the specifics the next day. He basically said that he thought I would do well in LA and that it wouldn't be a bad thing to start thinking about moving there. He believed that I could succeed there. I don't think he noticed but I was crying. I wasn't crying hard, like when you see The Notebook and you just let all of your guards down and cry with your whole body until your friends tell you to shut up (True Story). I just had a couple of tears stream down my face in perfect formation as if I was in a movie. Anyway, I was crying because he believed in me. I don't know how many people actually believe in me. I know my friends and family want me to succeed, but I don't know how much they believe in me. I know how skeptical my family was when I told them I was going to be a comedian. I know I believe in myself and it's exhausting to feel like you're the only one with faith. Finally, here was someone who was on my side, championing me on to the next level. I honestly feel that people don't know what I'm capable of and it's frustrating. I feel like that runty kid in the neighborhood that wants to play stickball with the bigger kids, but they think he'll lose the game for them. "Come on guys! Lemme get a swing, just one swing! I know I can do it!" That little runty kid will never get a chance to play unless one of the bigger kids give him a shot. It really does take just one person to vouch for you to restore your faith. Part of me wants to just tell everyone I know that I am going to succeed and I am going to make my dreams come true- the power of positive thinking. But there's a part of me that thinks, "Well, that's what Jenna Somebody said on her American Idol interview and she was laughed out of the audition room. What if I don't make it? I'm going to look like an idiot." It's why I never signed my yearbooks, "Save the autograph, it'll be worth a lot of money some day." I have a couple of those in my yearbooks from high school, and I don't think I could get much for them. I never want to promise something I can't deliver. I feel like I'm off track... anyway, this conversation got me thinking about taking the next step in my career.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It can stop us from finding out if that guy you like feels the same way about you. Fear can stop us from doing something daring, like jumping out of a plane. Fear can stop us from taking chances, taking risks, which is awful, because if you're taking a risk then it must be worth it. Fear paralyzes us from living. I am scared shitless when I think about moving to Los Angeles, and it's not just one thing that scares me. I worry that I'm not ready and that my career will not only not flourish, but suffer because of the move. I'm scared to hit rock bottom so hard that I'm ashamed to come back home to my parents and start my life over. The thing that scares me the most is that I've met someone so amazing and I'm so afraid that he'll forget about me if I leave.
I know you can't tell how long it takes me to write my sentences, since clearly you can't read this in real time, but it took me a bit to finish that last sentence. It's really hard for me to talk about, but I don't have very many friends. Sure, I know a lot of people, and I'll hang out with them, but as far as friends go- someone who you can call if you need anything- I have few. So moving away from him and my other few friends, I feel like it would break me. I would feel alone.
I feel I'm at a crossroads. I have to do what's going to help my career, but I also want to be happy. Am I not allowed to have both? Is this MY Sophie's Choice? How am I supposed to choose between being comfortable & happy, or moving down to LA hoping that I can make my dreams come true, when I can't be certain that they will?
When I go swimming, I have to slowly get acclimated to the temperature of the water. I stand on the steps until the water covers my feet, then my ankles, and I'll slowly get in the pool. Other people just cannonball into the water. I want to cannonball. I want to be able to just pick up and move to LA and work towards my goals. I'm so nervous about it not working out that I want to make sure everything will fall into place. I want to be able to transfer with my day job so I know I can pay rent. I want to be sure that I can find gigs and club owners that will book me. And most importantly, I want to know that the bonds I've made with others won't fade away. I want to know that if I jump in the pool I won't belly flop, or even worse, drown.
Here's the dick joke I promised you:
There's a blonde and a brunette in an elevator with a guy wearing a black shirt, and has a lot of dandruff. He leaves the elevator on the next floor. After the doors close behind him the brunette says, "Boy, somebody needs to give him some Head & Shoulders!" After a few seconds the blonde says, "How do you give Shoulders?"
I never said it would be original or good... but there you have it.
A few weeks ago I saw that there was an opening with my day job in the LA area. My company has a pretty big operation down there so there's a lot of openings there throughout the year. On a whim, I applied. My heart was racing when I clicked the SEND button. What was I getting myself into? Am I ready to make this step? Even though I'm currently in no position to move to the other side of the state, the fact that I was putting this out there in the universe was a lot to handle. I had a talk about this before with a friend. It was one of those, 5AM conversations that are amazing, but you're so tired you can't remember the specifics the next day. He basically said that he thought I would do well in LA and that it wouldn't be a bad thing to start thinking about moving there. He believed that I could succeed there. I don't think he noticed but I was crying. I wasn't crying hard, like when you see The Notebook and you just let all of your guards down and cry with your whole body until your friends tell you to shut up (True Story). I just had a couple of tears stream down my face in perfect formation as if I was in a movie. Anyway, I was crying because he believed in me. I don't know how many people actually believe in me. I know my friends and family want me to succeed, but I don't know how much they believe in me. I know how skeptical my family was when I told them I was going to be a comedian. I know I believe in myself and it's exhausting to feel like you're the only one with faith. Finally, here was someone who was on my side, championing me on to the next level. I honestly feel that people don't know what I'm capable of and it's frustrating. I feel like that runty kid in the neighborhood that wants to play stickball with the bigger kids, but they think he'll lose the game for them. "Come on guys! Lemme get a swing, just one swing! I know I can do it!" That little runty kid will never get a chance to play unless one of the bigger kids give him a shot. It really does take just one person to vouch for you to restore your faith. Part of me wants to just tell everyone I know that I am going to succeed and I am going to make my dreams come true- the power of positive thinking. But there's a part of me that thinks, "Well, that's what Jenna Somebody said on her American Idol interview and she was laughed out of the audition room. What if I don't make it? I'm going to look like an idiot." It's why I never signed my yearbooks, "Save the autograph, it'll be worth a lot of money some day." I have a couple of those in my yearbooks from high school, and I don't think I could get much for them. I never want to promise something I can't deliver. I feel like I'm off track... anyway, this conversation got me thinking about taking the next step in my career.
Fear stops us from doing a lot of things. It can stop us from finding out if that guy you like feels the same way about you. Fear can stop us from doing something daring, like jumping out of a plane. Fear can stop us from taking chances, taking risks, which is awful, because if you're taking a risk then it must be worth it. Fear paralyzes us from living. I am scared shitless when I think about moving to Los Angeles, and it's not just one thing that scares me. I worry that I'm not ready and that my career will not only not flourish, but suffer because of the move. I'm scared to hit rock bottom so hard that I'm ashamed to come back home to my parents and start my life over. The thing that scares me the most is that I've met someone so amazing and I'm so afraid that he'll forget about me if I leave.
I know you can't tell how long it takes me to write my sentences, since clearly you can't read this in real time, but it took me a bit to finish that last sentence. It's really hard for me to talk about, but I don't have very many friends. Sure, I know a lot of people, and I'll hang out with them, but as far as friends go- someone who you can call if you need anything- I have few. So moving away from him and my other few friends, I feel like it would break me. I would feel alone.
I feel I'm at a crossroads. I have to do what's going to help my career, but I also want to be happy. Am I not allowed to have both? Is this MY Sophie's Choice? How am I supposed to choose between being comfortable & happy, or moving down to LA hoping that I can make my dreams come true, when I can't be certain that they will?
When I go swimming, I have to slowly get acclimated to the temperature of the water. I stand on the steps until the water covers my feet, then my ankles, and I'll slowly get in the pool. Other people just cannonball into the water. I want to cannonball. I want to be able to just pick up and move to LA and work towards my goals. I'm so nervous about it not working out that I want to make sure everything will fall into place. I want to be able to transfer with my day job so I know I can pay rent. I want to be sure that I can find gigs and club owners that will book me. And most importantly, I want to know that the bonds I've made with others won't fade away. I want to know that if I jump in the pool I won't belly flop, or even worse, drown.
Here's the dick joke I promised you:
There's a blonde and a brunette in an elevator with a guy wearing a black shirt, and has a lot of dandruff. He leaves the elevator on the next floor. After the doors close behind him the brunette says, "Boy, somebody needs to give him some Head & Shoulders!" After a few seconds the blonde says, "How do you give Shoulders?"
I never said it would be original or good... but there you have it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I Guess I'll Just Start Here
Well hello there. I'll be honest; I'm not really sure what I'm blogging about. I suppose I am my theme to this blog as it'll be about me, and I am the one writing it. Wow we're off to a great start aren't we? I am a stand up comedian. Well a newer stand up comedian- it's why you probably have never heard of me. I've been writing and performing stand up since March 2007. Yes, even after 4 years I'm still new. I don't think audiences realize how long it takes for a comedian to edit a joke until it is just right. Sometimes you can write a joke and it can't get much better than when you first wrote it, and that's awesome. But more often you have an idea for a joke, a premise, and it takes a while to form the right wording of the joke. It's why open mics are so important/painful. We don't know a joke will work until we have an audience to try it out on. You are our guinea pigs. And that's just joke writing. We're still trying to figure out our voice, our personality as a writer and performer on stage. I feel I'm beginning to ramble on about the process of open mics and trial and error with jokes. In short, what I'm saying is that it takes about 7 years to find your voice as a comedian, so even after 4 years, I'm still considered a baby in the comedy world.
This last year in comedy has been an important one for me. It wasn't that I made great strides with my career, I didn't. I actually fell into a rut and I didn't know how to get out of it. When I started performing, the other comedians were very impressed with how good I was. I got a lot of compliments and it seemed like I was a rising star. What I didn't understand was that I was really good for how long I was a comedian. I was really good for someone who was six months into her (hopefully) life long comedy career. I'm not one to get a huge ego about myself, but it definitely was inflated. I was six months in and I thought I wasn't getting the opportunities I thought I should be getting. I evolved very quickly as a young comedian and this last year I hit a wall. I didn't know what else to write about. I'm not political, or even very topical. I write about me, and the things I've experienced. I joke about my weight, being single, weird events that have happened to me, childhood therapy... I felt like I had nothing else to explore. In my personal life, I was caught up in a relationship that wasn't mentally healthy for me. I was depressed and I didn't want to do anything. What had happened to me? I had lost myself, and I didn't know what to do but just let the grey take over my world.
"Wow Kelly, this is really bringing me down."
I know, sorry, but that's where I was about six months ago from today. But it gets better! I met Jason! Yes Jason is a really new comic, newer than me, and after hanging out, drinking with a bunch of comics, I was playing DD and found out that he lived up the street from me. We began writing together because it was convenient. My experience mixed with his excitement to write and perform was just perfect. His energy and passion was what I was lacking and it made me want to get that back in my life. We're kindred spirits- is that the right phrase I want to use? I don't know why I'm asking you, I'm the one trying to explain it. I think that's what I mean. Anyway, I was back on the proverbial saddle.
I told myself that after 5 years of stand up here in San Francisco, then I would make the move to Los Angeles. LA just makes more sense for me. I want to do everything; stand up, act, write, tv shows, movies- I want it all. New York is pretty much straight up stand up. If you want to be the best stand up comedian you can be, and do it for the rest of your life, I'd say go to New York. LA is more commercial to me. It's Hollywood. I just feel I'm more suited for television. I'm not a leading lady, but I'm the quirky something. The quirky sister, neighbor, best friend of the leading character on some sitcom. I'm really freaked out about moving to LA. But that's got to be a whole separate blog. Stay tuned.
So what now? Was there a point I was trying to make? I doubt it. I don't know what I'm doing with this blog remember? Actually, I lifted the idea to blog from Jason. (You might notice we have a podcast blog, you can listen to it from the blog or on iTunes! "Kelly and Jason's Untitled Podcast") Something I lack in my work ethics is consistency and discipline. My goal is to write everyday. It's a hefty goal. They won't be all long like this one is turning out to be. I imagine that I'll write about shows I'll do, my frustrations with my day job, my personal relationships with friends and family and just general awkward encounters I have with anyone and everyone. I hope to connect with you reader, whoever you may be. Maybe I know you, and you're getting to see a side of me that you never knew existed. Perhaps you saw me perform and liked what you saw. I appreciate you. You're amazing and it's always so wonderful to know I can make you laugh; it's indescribable. Really- I just spent five minutes trying to figure out how to describe it, and I couldn't. I wonder if any of you reading just stumbled upon this, how did that happen? That's pretty cool. Who ever you are, and whatever your connection to me is, I hope that you get something from this blog as I hope to gain something from writing it. I hope that I can entertain you, or make you think, or make you feel that there's someone else like you out there in the world.
Am I getting too existentialist? Okay, to make it up to you, I'll write a dick joke for next time.
This last year in comedy has been an important one for me. It wasn't that I made great strides with my career, I didn't. I actually fell into a rut and I didn't know how to get out of it. When I started performing, the other comedians were very impressed with how good I was. I got a lot of compliments and it seemed like I was a rising star. What I didn't understand was that I was really good for how long I was a comedian. I was really good for someone who was six months into her (hopefully) life long comedy career. I'm not one to get a huge ego about myself, but it definitely was inflated. I was six months in and I thought I wasn't getting the opportunities I thought I should be getting. I evolved very quickly as a young comedian and this last year I hit a wall. I didn't know what else to write about. I'm not political, or even very topical. I write about me, and the things I've experienced. I joke about my weight, being single, weird events that have happened to me, childhood therapy... I felt like I had nothing else to explore. In my personal life, I was caught up in a relationship that wasn't mentally healthy for me. I was depressed and I didn't want to do anything. What had happened to me? I had lost myself, and I didn't know what to do but just let the grey take over my world.
"Wow Kelly, this is really bringing me down."
I know, sorry, but that's where I was about six months ago from today. But it gets better! I met Jason! Yes Jason is a really new comic, newer than me, and after hanging out, drinking with a bunch of comics, I was playing DD and found out that he lived up the street from me. We began writing together because it was convenient. My experience mixed with his excitement to write and perform was just perfect. His energy and passion was what I was lacking and it made me want to get that back in my life. We're kindred spirits- is that the right phrase I want to use? I don't know why I'm asking you, I'm the one trying to explain it. I think that's what I mean. Anyway, I was back on the proverbial saddle.
I told myself that after 5 years of stand up here in San Francisco, then I would make the move to Los Angeles. LA just makes more sense for me. I want to do everything; stand up, act, write, tv shows, movies- I want it all. New York is pretty much straight up stand up. If you want to be the best stand up comedian you can be, and do it for the rest of your life, I'd say go to New York. LA is more commercial to me. It's Hollywood. I just feel I'm more suited for television. I'm not a leading lady, but I'm the quirky something. The quirky sister, neighbor, best friend of the leading character on some sitcom. I'm really freaked out about moving to LA. But that's got to be a whole separate blog. Stay tuned.
So what now? Was there a point I was trying to make? I doubt it. I don't know what I'm doing with this blog remember? Actually, I lifted the idea to blog from Jason. (You might notice we have a podcast blog, you can listen to it from the blog or on iTunes! "Kelly and Jason's Untitled Podcast") Something I lack in my work ethics is consistency and discipline. My goal is to write everyday. It's a hefty goal. They won't be all long like this one is turning out to be. I imagine that I'll write about shows I'll do, my frustrations with my day job, my personal relationships with friends and family and just general awkward encounters I have with anyone and everyone. I hope to connect with you reader, whoever you may be. Maybe I know you, and you're getting to see a side of me that you never knew existed. Perhaps you saw me perform and liked what you saw. I appreciate you. You're amazing and it's always so wonderful to know I can make you laugh; it's indescribable. Really- I just spent five minutes trying to figure out how to describe it, and I couldn't. I wonder if any of you reading just stumbled upon this, how did that happen? That's pretty cool. Who ever you are, and whatever your connection to me is, I hope that you get something from this blog as I hope to gain something from writing it. I hope that I can entertain you, or make you think, or make you feel that there's someone else like you out there in the world.
Am I getting too existentialist? Okay, to make it up to you, I'll write a dick joke for next time.
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