LOOK AT ME!!!

Am I too selfish in wanting everyone to know me? I want everyone to want me, without necessarily wanting them in return. Is this just how I think, or does everyone feel that way? I mean, I know we all want to be wanted by that "special someone" but I want everyone to admire me, be in awe of me, want me to know that they too exist in my world. God, that sounded so snobbish, but that's exactly how I've felt my entire life. Perhaps that mentality is what entertainers are made of. Ever since I was a little kid I wanted everyone to know who I was and what I'm capable of doing. Wanting to shine might just be my greatest strength and weakness. As a kid I'd do whatever I could to be in the spotlight. I did school talent shows; I would always volunteer to speak in front of the class for group projects; I even signed up to carry the cross to the altar at the beginning of mass despite the agony I felt being at church. Whatever I could do to get an audience, I would do it. I just want to be seen and heard, and not in the way my generation wants to be seen and heard either. I mean, nowadays its all reality shows and social networks, "ooh look at me! I have a baby!" I get it... someone fucked you. I'm not looking for people to just stare at me in my everyday life- I want people to see my work. I want them to come to my shows and hear my jokes; go online and watch my videos; read this blog; download my podcast. I feel like I'm capable of so much greatness and if I just had the resources and the audience to back me up, the possibilities would be limitless for me.

I don't think I'm egotistical. I feel like I have a good grip on reality. But everyone in the entertainment industry has to have some ego to get anywhere in this business, otherwise why bother? If you don't think you are good, then why should anyone else? I feel I'm a good judge of myself and my work. I know when a joke does poorly, and I know when one does superbly well. My parents are probably to thank for that. They raised me with this mentality of "You can be whatever you want to be... unless that thing is a dancer, cause you don't have rhythm, but we'll still come to your dance recitals." They were, and still are, encouraging, supportive, yet real with me. They've seen me perform stand up many times and I remember one night, at a comedy competition, I didn't do so great. I had an off night. My mom asked me how I thought I did, and I told her, "It didn't suck, but it wasn't my best." and she said, "Yeah, it wasn't your best. We voted for you of course, but we voted for Dan too- we really liked Dan." I believe Dan did move on that round, and I didn't, as I shouldn't have. My parents didn't hurt my feelings, they were honest and supportive. Quite a blessing to have.

ANYWAY- I feel like I've rambled, it's 230am and I'm not sure how to end this mess of a blog. GOODNIGHT.

Saving Me.

It's hard to write when my mind is so cluttered with so many different issues, and distractions, and emotions. How am I to decide on what one thing to talk about right now? I think its why I've avoiding writing a new post for as long as I have.

I keep having these really deep, meaningful conversations with my friend after consuming alcohol and being out til the next day. It bothers me a bit because of the previously mentioned elements, it's hard for me to remember everything about the conversations- everything that was said. But I remember how I felt in that moment, and it's amazing. It's crazy how connected you feel with another person. I always thought I was really close with some of my friends, and I am- I'm not saying we're not close... What I am saying is that, well I don't know what I'm saying; I don't know how to articulate it. Perhaps there are no words. It just feels right.

Sometimes there are just things you know, or at least you have to believe that you're right. I just have to believe that I'm going to be alright. I have to believe that I'm going to be successful. I have to believe that connections I've made with people- with my friends, are not one sided.

I don't know where I'm going with this... I told you my mind is all cluttered. I'm distracted by the pain in my foot- it's just constantly swollen. I'm mostly distracted by my emotions though. I think what I'm feeling the most right now, and it kind of sums up the last 7 months or so, is that I feel saved and I can't imagine where I would be now if things haven't worked out the way they did this last year.

Well This is Getting Ridiculous and I Flashed the Neighbor...

I'm finding that the whole- writing everyday thing is getting ridiculous. I mean, I suppose if I didn't have a regular job and had a lot of time to myself, it would be an easy goal to accomplish, but I do have a regular job. I'm also spending my entire day out of the house too. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just saying it's getting to be too much, and it's not like I'm producing gold within every entry. I mean, the last one I wrote half asleep... what was that one even about?

ANYWAY

I switched rooms in my parent's house. I was sharing a room with my younger brother who is home from college. Now, my other brother is home to visit and it just makes more sense for the boys to share a room. I'm in what's supposed to be the den, the office, what have you- is where I sleep now. I have an air mattress and a lot of crap around me. Granted majority of that crap is mine, all in boxes from moving, but still.

Sorry the picture's so dark... there's one light- on the desk. The ceiling light... well there's the wiring for the ceiling light, but that's all.

Also you can see in the picture that the blinds are closed, which wasn't the case when I started sleeping here. They were pulled up and it wasn't something I noticed getting home from work at 2am. I did notice that it was pulled up AND that people walking down the street can see into the room the next morning, as I was getting dressed. I don't know if the guy walking down the street saw me half naked, but I guess good for him if he did. He was a grown man, if he hadn't seen tits by now, then I just did him a favor.

What Was I Gonna Say?

I didn't really have time to write today since I had to work two full shifts at my day job today. I think that in the middle of my day I came up with a really great thing to talk about here on the show. It was perfect- witty, and a topic that wouldn't go on for ever. I can't remember what that thing was. Serioiusly- what what I going to writese

Dieting, Oh No, Just Counting

Ugh... I did it. I signed up for Weight Watchers online. With my foot bothering me as much as it has lately, and with my health probably in horrible condition, I need to get my diet together. I've done weight watchers before- briefly and it was successful, but then I would get cocky about how well I was doing and then I gained the weight back. Consistency has always been my issued. I know this program works; my friend lost weight with it after having each of her kids, Jennifer Hudson did it- I mean I have proof. I just hate having to stop what I'm doing, log in what I ate- it might not seem like a big deal, but maybe that's just part of my uncovered mental issues. Boy, am I a catch or what?

Courting Wil Wheaton

So I've been writing the second part to a sketch I came up with...

(This is Stalker 101, Ep. 1)

In the next episode I'm currently writting, there is a mention of Wil Wheaton. If dreams could come true, Wil Wheaton would make a cameo appearance at the end of the scene. I'm going to ask him to do it- once I've finished writing the script of course. I don't know if he'll do it, but if he does, that would put so much pressure on me to do well. It would be so hilarious too, but a lot of pressure. Wish me luck in my pursuit of casting Wil Wheaton. I hope I don't come off as too stalkerish.

My Foot

So back in January I busted my foot. I was performing at a show and while the comedian before me was finishing up, I went to the restroom. To get to the stalls you go up a small, winding staircase. To get back to the show room, you walk down those stairs. I, instead, fell down them. It was like the stairs turned into a slide mid-step. After cursing up a storm, I, still on the floor, opened the door and found another comic there. I asked him to tell the host that I couldn't go on stage at that time. The other comics helped me up and I wondered in my foot was broken. After icing it for about 20 minutes, I went on stage, cause I'm a champ.

Anyway, it turns out the top of my foot has soft tissue damage, which I'm told is worse than a break. For a while I was in a horrific looking boot which drew a lot of unwanted attention from strangers. This last 6 weeks or so I've felt like my foot was finally almost healed. I started going to the gym again, and wearing heels (short heels, but heels at that).

Tonight at work, my foot hurt so bad I didn't know how much longer I could walk. I'm actually up in the office icing my foot right now! It's just really annoying because I'm trying to make a healthy life style for myself and lose weight (I added 13 pounds to my unnecessary weight because I couldn't work out for about 5 months). Ugh, I guess I'll have to try harder with the dieting. Boo.

This is my foot the night I fell back in January

This is my foot tonight, swollen!