Breaking Down

I've been put through an emotional wringer the last 9 months, and I feel like I can't talk about it the way I want to talk about it. I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it. I've experienced every type of emotion a person can experience in a short time frame and I've had to keep it all to myself. There have been secrets and private conversations. There are other people's privacy involved as well. I also just can't feel what I want to feel because I won't let myself do that. Even though I want to talk about it with friends, I don't, because I don't want them to see me cry, or break down. I used to be such a depressed person. I used to feel defeated and hopeless all the time. I don't want to be that person, and I haven't been that person in a very long time. The fact that I don't want to be that sad person anymore has made it so I don't allow myself to feel any unpleasant emotions and I won't express them. It's beginning to blow up in my face. I'm trying to find a balance to where I can be sad for the things I've been experiencing lately, but not lose myself into an episode of depression where I eat my feelings and listen to Dashboard Confessionals and cry my days away.

There are so many things I don't understand and I probably never will because I'm too afraid to get my answers. I'm too afraid to find out that no matter how great they may say I am, I'm not great enough. That there will always be someone better than me out there. That I'll never be anything more than someone's 2nd place. Because if that is the case, if that is the truth, then what's the point? Why should I keep putting myself out there when no one is going to care. Why should I put myself out there when all it's going to do is take me to finish line just to have someone else shove off the track before I can cross the finish line.

I'm not looking for love. I'm just looking to not get hurt. I didn't plan on the last year of my life to happen, but it did. I never wanted a guy to offer me everything I ever wanted only to ignore me for months at a time because he had other things to do than to not be with me. To tell me he wanted to be with me only to never follow through on his word.

I never wanted to make a connection with someone so deep, so real, just to sit around and wonder why he doesn't see me the same way I see him.

And there's so much more than that, but just too personal and dark to talk about in a public forum such as this. I've had to deal with it on my own as people make comments to me about what appears to be the truth when in reality if they knew what's been going on with me they wouldn't make any comments. They'd wonder how I'm able to function so well. I'm a girl that can keep her shit together for the sake of appearances. It's an Oscar worthy performance.

Nothing makes you feel more alone than feeling like you have to feel and process pain by yourself.

I'm writing this to express myself, not to get your pity. I'm writing this because I need to figure out how to deal with everything that has happened and the things that are currently happening in my life.


"Figure out what you want, and learn how to ask for it."

I've been trying to do that ever since I heard that line last December.