How Life Changed at Age 4.

I remember the exact moment when I realized that not everyone was going to like me. I was not quite 5 years old; it was the first day of Kindergarten. My family had just moved to town about a year before, and there were no kids my age on my block, so I went to school knowing no one. I went up to this girl in the playground and I asked her, "Hi, do you want to play with me?" and she said, "No." and walked away.


I was crushed. I had never felt rejection like that before in my life. Actually, I don't think I had ever felt rejection ever. She didn't even know me and she didn't even want to give me a chance! At that point my world and my outlook on life changed. I have a super power of being stubborn and holding grudges. My ability to hold grudges is "super" because it is a quality I get from both sides of my family, and both sides do it so well it would be poetic if it wasn't childish. That girl that denied me playtime was immediately put on my list. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. I remember in the 5th grade, the two of us had to talk to the teacher, or maybe the principal... I can't remember why, but I remember I brought up the fact that on the first day of Kindergarten she didn't want to play with me and the educator said something to the effect of, "That was so long ago, why does that matter now?" Why does it matter? She rejected me! And for no good reason I'm sure!


I really don't remember what type of kid I was before that moment. I think that I was outgoing, and a bit of a tomboy. I only had brothers, and the cousins that lived closed to us were all boys, and even in the neighborhood we had previously lived in, all boys in the neighborhood. Had I not received all that special attention for being the only girl, I probably would have thought I was a boy too. I got a lot of attention for being a girl when I was a kid now that I think about it. On both sides of my family, my generation is very male dominated. On my dad's side I was the only* girl out of all the kids (*That is until I was 5 years old and my sister was born). On my mom's side it was all boys except for me and my cousin Kathy*, and I rarely saw my cousins on my maternal side. (*Lilly joined the ladies team in the late 90's if I'm not mistaken) So as you can see, for those early developmental years, I was adored just for my gender. People loved me- unfortunately, the only people I knew were family. I didn't have friends prior to Kindergarten. Well I did, but not in California. We lived in New York for a few years and I went to pre-school there where, as pictures have shown me, I was friends with an Asian girl from class, and the neighborhood boys I had mentioned before. My dad got laid off, we moved in with my grandparents in Sacramento for a few months until my Dad got back on his feet and we moved to Pacifica. By this time I was 4 and I didn't continue pre-school. I'm guessing because money was tight, but also, what was the point? I would be starting real school that fall. I begged my mom for me to start school early. I have a Fall birthday so I was still 4 when I started school. My mom has always regretted that decision. She thinks that socially, school was too tough for me and had she waited a year I'd be better at being social. Perhaps. But I can't imagine how I would handle myself if I spent 2 years, instead of 1 at home with my mom and brother not interacting with kids my own age. That was really my downfall, not knowing any of the kids- at all! I mean I got there and it was like they all got this memo about school and I just showed up by accident. Some kids went to pre-school together, some we neighbors, and some were family, which blew my mind. You live in the same town as your cousins?! It was such a weird concept to me. ANYWAY... 


Where was I? I've rambled again haven't I? I had written this with the point of my first rejection and how it changed my perspective on life being the main focus of this blog- but now I'm intrigued by this whole, "I was adored for being the only girl for the first 5 years of my life" thing.


I think that I miss being adored for just simply being a girl. I admit I get annoyed when I'm out with my guy friends and they talk about how hot another girl is not only in front of me, but to me. Friends, if you're reading this- Please don't do that. Unless I am willingly trying to be your wingman- don't talk to me about how you think another girl is really hot. All that makes me think is that I am not hot in the least. It's not that I'm even trying to hook up with my friends and that's why I want them to stop that- it's just that I want everyone to think I'm attractive. I think everyone wants that. I don't think I've ever been hanging out with my guy friends and pointed out another guy* to them and talk about how hot he is. (*Jon Hamm and Jake Gyllenhaal are the exceptions. Also straight up asking me if I think someone is hot; I'm not responsible if you provoke it, and I accept the same rules on my end) 


My brother's birthdays are about a week apart, so one year my mom combined their parties. One was turning 7, the other 2. This was the Spring before I started Kindergarten, and my mom was pregnant with my sister- so technically, still the only girl- I think my parents kept my sister's gender a surprise. ANYWAY... this party was awesome because I got presents too. My aunt brought me presents so that I wouldn't feel so left out that both my brothers got presents and I didn't. I was so spoiled. I remember I got a wooden looking bracelet and a Little Mermaid baseball hat. I think me being a girl helped too. Boys are expected to deal with shit, but girls- aw they're fragile. They must be sheltered and coddled. (By the way I just want you to know that I accidentally typed "cobbled" instead of "coddled" and that, to me, is a hilarious typo.)


 No one prepared me for the real world when I was 4 years old. No one said, "Hey, just a heads up- not everyone is going to like you." But then again, how do you tell that to a 4 year old? What would I have said if someone did? 
"Why wouldn't someone like me? Do I smell?" 
 "No, you don't smell"
"Then what? Am I not cool?"
"No... you're 4 years old, no one is cool when they are 4 years old."
"Then what? What is it?"


And the thing is- there is no answer when dealing with kids that young! If you asked that girl why she didn't want to play with me, her answer could have very well been, "Cause I don't." She probably didn't have a reason. And why weren't the boys in Kindergarten huddled all around me waiting to ask me to play with them? I'm a GIRL! I had a good thing going in New York. All the neighborhood boys played with me when I was in New York (I realize how that sentence makes me sound like a trashy 4 year old, but you know that's not what I meant... right? RIGHT?!) Apparently, some asshole boy decided that girls were icky and that we were not fit to play with and told the other boys about this. Oh you'll regret that decision someday boys, oh yes you will.


Now, I eventually found someone to play with me that first day of school, but I never forgot how that rejection to my invite felt. Perhaps that was my trauma at an early age. (Sorry, I've been listening to a lot of Dr. Drew lately.) It's obviously not as horrible as what some kids have to go through, thank God- but think about it. I keep putting myself in situations in which I face rejection. (Dr. Drew says that you become attracted to what hurt you when you were a child. ie: a child that was abused attract men who abuse when they're older.) All throughout middle school and high school I'd ask out guys that had no interest in me. (Oh so much rejection). And now! I'm a stand up comedian. I don't know if an audience is going to like me. And auditioning for festivals, competitions, gigs- all have the potential for rejection! HOLY SHIT! I am on to something here! I have spent the last 20 years seeking the approval I never got from a classmate.


Well now that I've figured that out... what the hell am I supposed to do with that information? Eh, I guess I'll try to make a joke out of it... and hope everyone likes me for it.