How Life Changed at Age 4.

I remember the exact moment when I realized that not everyone was going to like me. I was not quite 5 years old; it was the first day of Kindergarten. My family had just moved to town about a year before, and there were no kids my age on my block, so I went to school knowing no one. I went up to this girl in the playground and I asked her, "Hi, do you want to play with me?" and she said, "No." and walked away.


I was crushed. I had never felt rejection like that before in my life. Actually, I don't think I had ever felt rejection ever. She didn't even know me and she didn't even want to give me a chance! At that point my world and my outlook on life changed. I have a super power of being stubborn and holding grudges. My ability to hold grudges is "super" because it is a quality I get from both sides of my family, and both sides do it so well it would be poetic if it wasn't childish. That girl that denied me playtime was immediately put on my list. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. I remember in the 5th grade, the two of us had to talk to the teacher, or maybe the principal... I can't remember why, but I remember I brought up the fact that on the first day of Kindergarten she didn't want to play with me and the educator said something to the effect of, "That was so long ago, why does that matter now?" Why does it matter? She rejected me! And for no good reason I'm sure!


I really don't remember what type of kid I was before that moment. I think that I was outgoing, and a bit of a tomboy. I only had brothers, and the cousins that lived closed to us were all boys, and even in the neighborhood we had previously lived in, all boys in the neighborhood. Had I not received all that special attention for being the only girl, I probably would have thought I was a boy too. I got a lot of attention for being a girl when I was a kid now that I think about it. On both sides of my family, my generation is very male dominated. On my dad's side I was the only* girl out of all the kids (*That is until I was 5 years old and my sister was born). On my mom's side it was all boys except for me and my cousin Kathy*, and I rarely saw my cousins on my maternal side. (*Lilly joined the ladies team in the late 90's if I'm not mistaken) So as you can see, for those early developmental years, I was adored just for my gender. People loved me- unfortunately, the only people I knew were family. I didn't have friends prior to Kindergarten. Well I did, but not in California. We lived in New York for a few years and I went to pre-school there where, as pictures have shown me, I was friends with an Asian girl from class, and the neighborhood boys I had mentioned before. My dad got laid off, we moved in with my grandparents in Sacramento for a few months until my Dad got back on his feet and we moved to Pacifica. By this time I was 4 and I didn't continue pre-school. I'm guessing because money was tight, but also, what was the point? I would be starting real school that fall. I begged my mom for me to start school early. I have a Fall birthday so I was still 4 when I started school. My mom has always regretted that decision. She thinks that socially, school was too tough for me and had she waited a year I'd be better at being social. Perhaps. But I can't imagine how I would handle myself if I spent 2 years, instead of 1 at home with my mom and brother not interacting with kids my own age. That was really my downfall, not knowing any of the kids- at all! I mean I got there and it was like they all got this memo about school and I just showed up by accident. Some kids went to pre-school together, some we neighbors, and some were family, which blew my mind. You live in the same town as your cousins?! It was such a weird concept to me. ANYWAY... 


Where was I? I've rambled again haven't I? I had written this with the point of my first rejection and how it changed my perspective on life being the main focus of this blog- but now I'm intrigued by this whole, "I was adored for being the only girl for the first 5 years of my life" thing.


I think that I miss being adored for just simply being a girl. I admit I get annoyed when I'm out with my guy friends and they talk about how hot another girl is not only in front of me, but to me. Friends, if you're reading this- Please don't do that. Unless I am willingly trying to be your wingman- don't talk to me about how you think another girl is really hot. All that makes me think is that I am not hot in the least. It's not that I'm even trying to hook up with my friends and that's why I want them to stop that- it's just that I want everyone to think I'm attractive. I think everyone wants that. I don't think I've ever been hanging out with my guy friends and pointed out another guy* to them and talk about how hot he is. (*Jon Hamm and Jake Gyllenhaal are the exceptions. Also straight up asking me if I think someone is hot; I'm not responsible if you provoke it, and I accept the same rules on my end) 


My brother's birthdays are about a week apart, so one year my mom combined their parties. One was turning 7, the other 2. This was the Spring before I started Kindergarten, and my mom was pregnant with my sister- so technically, still the only girl- I think my parents kept my sister's gender a surprise. ANYWAY... this party was awesome because I got presents too. My aunt brought me presents so that I wouldn't feel so left out that both my brothers got presents and I didn't. I was so spoiled. I remember I got a wooden looking bracelet and a Little Mermaid baseball hat. I think me being a girl helped too. Boys are expected to deal with shit, but girls- aw they're fragile. They must be sheltered and coddled. (By the way I just want you to know that I accidentally typed "cobbled" instead of "coddled" and that, to me, is a hilarious typo.)


 No one prepared me for the real world when I was 4 years old. No one said, "Hey, just a heads up- not everyone is going to like you." But then again, how do you tell that to a 4 year old? What would I have said if someone did? 
"Why wouldn't someone like me? Do I smell?" 
 "No, you don't smell"
"Then what? Am I not cool?"
"No... you're 4 years old, no one is cool when they are 4 years old."
"Then what? What is it?"


And the thing is- there is no answer when dealing with kids that young! If you asked that girl why she didn't want to play with me, her answer could have very well been, "Cause I don't." She probably didn't have a reason. And why weren't the boys in Kindergarten huddled all around me waiting to ask me to play with them? I'm a GIRL! I had a good thing going in New York. All the neighborhood boys played with me when I was in New York (I realize how that sentence makes me sound like a trashy 4 year old, but you know that's not what I meant... right? RIGHT?!) Apparently, some asshole boy decided that girls were icky and that we were not fit to play with and told the other boys about this. Oh you'll regret that decision someday boys, oh yes you will.


Now, I eventually found someone to play with me that first day of school, but I never forgot how that rejection to my invite felt. Perhaps that was my trauma at an early age. (Sorry, I've been listening to a lot of Dr. Drew lately.) It's obviously not as horrible as what some kids have to go through, thank God- but think about it. I keep putting myself in situations in which I face rejection. (Dr. Drew says that you become attracted to what hurt you when you were a child. ie: a child that was abused attract men who abuse when they're older.) All throughout middle school and high school I'd ask out guys that had no interest in me. (Oh so much rejection). And now! I'm a stand up comedian. I don't know if an audience is going to like me. And auditioning for festivals, competitions, gigs- all have the potential for rejection! HOLY SHIT! I am on to something here! I have spent the last 20 years seeking the approval I never got from a classmate.


Well now that I've figured that out... what the hell am I supposed to do with that information? Eh, I guess I'll try to make a joke out of it... and hope everyone likes me for it.

Adventures in LA Comedy

Jason and I have been in Southern California all week. Traveling by car while disabled has it's pros & cons. Pro: Handicapped Parking Placard. This thing is AMAZING. My walking is very limited by my cast and so having the placard is so helpful! Not only can I park close, but I can park at meters and not pay them, and park in timed parking areas for as long as I want. It's pretty cool and definitely helpful in a busy city like LA. Con: MY LEG IS IN A DAMN CAST! It's uncomfortable to just exist, let alone exist in a car for multiple hours at a time. The sleeping situation hasn't been as horrible as I thought it would be. With the exception of a few nights in a motel- we've been sleeping on couches of my friends (Thanks MARK & HEATH! So helpful and so accommodating!) Actually what's really bothering me is the hours we're spending at Starbucks catching up on our Facebook and emails as we try to write something, anything, like this blog right now. My foot needs to be elevated, on a pillow or something soft, and not all Starbuck's facilities can provide me with that. But enough about that... I have pain pills for that...

So LA has been... weird. Our first day here, an English guy at a Starbucks approached me and told me I was beautiful. He wasn't hitting on me (I don't think) but just wanted me to know that I was beautiful. TAKE NOTE FELLAS! It's not like I was in a shitty mood before this European stranger came over to our table, but it was definitely a confidence booster! And this guy wasn't creepy at all. (Please take note of that too! Don't be creepy about it!) He was very polite, asked Jason if he was my boyfriend as to not step over any boundaries, and then BAM! Compliment! The best part of this was that I wasn't wearing any make up and had sat in a car for 6 hours. I definitely have a lot of issues with my appearance. I honestly don't think I'm the kind of girl that make guys look twice. I don't think I'm bad looking, I just believe that when out in public, and there are other women around, I'm not anyone's first choice of someone they'd like to get to know. Basically, what I'm saying is that my mysterious British man made me feel really good about myself and left me smiling the rest of the day.

That night we were booked to do a show by a friend of ours at 930. We were asked to bring as many friends as we could to watch the show. I'm horrible at getting people to see me. I don't know what it is about me, but I have friends from school that for the last 4 years have said they want to see me perform, and I tell them when and where, and they never follow through. I send event updates and messages and I'm lucky if I can get a "maybe" reply on facebook; which is really just a polite "no." A "yes" response is a polite "maybe." Anybody that replies "no" is just being honest. ANYWAY. I'm not a bringer. We got to the show around 7pm and found some people we knew. We found out that there was an open mic before the booked show, so we signed up for it. I mean, why not get some extra stage time in to practice some newer material? Long story short- the "open mic" ran until 11pm. I had some girl I went to school with show up with some friends and they WERE the audience. I didn't get on stage for the open mic until about 10pm, and I only got up when I did because my friends shouted to the host, "We want KELLY!" The host was a dick to me and Jason. He kept telling Jason he was next, and didn't put him on until almost last. The booked show started almost 2 hours late! It was super unprofessional and the open mic host was a royal ass to us. Just because he didn't know who Jason & I were didn't mean he had to treat us like shit. After my set, the host said, "You know what your friends are gonna say after this? 'You were the best one'." And I quickly replied, "Cause it's true." What an asshole. He thinks I brought people to tell me I'm good. Fuck that guy. I was good because I AM FUCKING Good. I don't like to sound egotistical but damnit I certainly was the funniest one there. We left shortly after both Jason and I performed. We were not staying for the "booked" show. Another person left the show and told me I was right- I was the best one there. THANK YOU STRANGER! Validation is always welcomed! I left the show that night having a very low opinion of the comedy scene in LA, that being my first time performing here and all.

Okay, so maybe that was a long story long... My bad.

The next night Jason and I were booked for a show at The Ice House in Pasadena. It was being recording for Comedy Time TV (Comedytime.tv ... it'll be up on the site in about 90 days I think) and we had to do 8 clean, family friendly minutes of jokes. The place was SOLD OUT! It was packed. Close to 200 people in there! It was amazing. The laughter was so loud and hard from the crowd I thought I was physically going to be pushed back a few steps from it all, like an incredible gust of wind in a storm. It was fantastic. Every joke hit! The crowd laughed so genuinely and long that it was really hard for me to not laugh with them. They were truly entertained. It was incredible. And I got a sweet DVD out of it. The polar opposite of the previous night.

The rest of the week has been alright. We haven't had too many shows to do. We were late for a sign up of an open mic and couldn't get on, and it was really hard to find shows to do on the weekend. We've been enjoying the sun and sights of San Diego this weekend. Well we did an open mic in San Diego, and it went well- tried out some new premises which has me excited that I have new premises to even try. Spent Saturday on a boat touring the San Diego Bay, and Sunday at the ball park where we watched the Giants beat the Padres and I got completely sunburned- yes I applied sun screen... apparently you have to keep applying it if you're at a baseball game for 11 innings.

We're back in LA trying to get up at the Comedy Store. It's a "lottery" to get on the open mic, but I've been told that the fact that I'm a girl can help my chances in getting on the show. I'm also not opposed to using my cast for sympathy points either. Hey! I drove hundreds of miles to get here to perform- I'm gonna take everything I can get.

I keep wondering if I could live here. It's beautiful. Traffic sucks. More comics wanting stage time. It seems like moving to LA for comedy would be like transferring schools, except you don't transfer to the same grade you're in now... you transfer and have to go back to Kindergarten. I still retain all my knowledge from my years of school, so I wouldn't have to work as hard as I did before... but I think everyone's going to look at me and treat me like a 5 year old, until I can prove to them that I know a few things.

Disabled

So I went back to the doctors, got a second MRI done on my foot and the diagnosis- still hella inflamed. Okay, so those may not be his exact words, but you get what I'm saying. The fact that I have to stand for 8 hours with my day job wasn't helping the healing process of my foot. So to make sure this thing heals for sure, I was given a shot of cortisone (OUCH) and a cast on my leg for four weeks. I thought about it for a while whether or not I should take a disability leave from work, weighing the positive and the negatives and I felt that since I'm not paying rent right now anyways, staying at my parent's house, then I should take the disability and let myself heal completely. After I got the cast on, it was clear that I made the right decision. There's no way I can stand for eight hours a day, I can barely walk around.

ANYWAY

So I'm out of work for 4 weeks. Wow I'm actually on summer break. How funny. I haven't had a summer break since I was in high school, and even then I worked part time. I really want to take advantage of this time I have to write something. I haven't been very disciplined with writing. I want to make a good goal to have and I think I've come up with one.

I've always have wanted to write a one woman show in which I explore how different women feel about their bodies and their appearances- do like 10-12 different character monologues. It really does get to exercise not only my writing, but my character work. I get to be funny with some, and dramatic with other, and just real and honest about a topic that I believe everyone can relate to.

It was either that, or I spend the 4 weeks working on jigsaw puzzles.